SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm back... once again wishing I wasn't here posting about being a shit person. A 20-year-old ghost just appeared, and both my 19-year-old self and my present self are completely consumed by shame and remorse.

​I received a message from a woman asking if I had been intimate with her then-boyfriend, now-husband, two decades ago.

Goddammit..

​I chose to be completely honest and forthcoming. But in doing the right thing, I just exposed a 20-year lie to a woman who built her entire life on quicksand. Now, that quicksand is engulfing her. My heart is so heavy for her, and my stomach is in knots. It is a pain I would wish on no one.

​Years ago, when I was working through my recovery and making amends, I actually tried to find her for this exact reason. I wanted everything out in the light.. no surprises, no more lies, no stones unturned. I wanted to purge the secrets. But because it was a hookup from a decade prior, I didn't have enough information to track her down.

​It doesn't matter now; she knows.

​There is some relief in knowing that absolutely nothing is left hiding in the shadows anymore. But I am finding it incredibly difficult to cope with the gravity of the bomb I just dropped. It feels like D-Day all over again, and there is carnage everywhere. It is a gut-wrenching, heavy feeling.

I'm just trying to navigate the wreckage of a past I thought was long lost.

Hang in there ForeverLabeled, and be kind to yourself. I know the gut punch of realizing there’s a person out there with good reason to despise you and/or you are the reason her life is imploding. It sucks, but probably for a limited time, and it’s much better than the alternative (life of hiding, lying, and shame). Your 19year old self is not your current self even though you are to some extent still cleaning up her messes. I know you have developed good skills for tolerating the negative/uncomfortable emotions. I can’t remember if you are Christian, but if you are, there is a ton of reassurance and solid ground in knowing that you are under the wing of the truth, and you can pray for her.

You're not a shit person. Knock that shit off right now!

You told the truth and that, dear lady, is the best thing you could have possibly done.

I wish I had something else to say, something wise and wonderful. I'm sorry you have to work through these feelings of shame and remorse, again. You've been there and done that before, so I'm sure it's familiar ground, however terribly uncomfortable.

It was 20 years ago and I know how hard you've worked on yourself. You've grown, you've learned, you've changed, and you've been an inspiration to a great many people here, including me.

Be gentle with yourself.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:16 PM, Friday, May 15th]

Hiya Pippin, hiya Unhinged.

​Ah yes... be kind to myself. I haven't gotten there yet.

​Right now, I'm just consumed with the damage and the pain that is filling her heart today. I keep telling myself to breathe, but my body is flooded with adrenaline and my nervous system is completely shot. I want to crawl under a rock and I can only imagine how much worse she feels.

​I’m feeling in total crisis, overwhelmed, and panicked. I've chosen to stay open to her if she needs any further clarification, and waiting for that is all-consuming in its own right.

The shame is incredibly loud right now, and every tool I know feels entirely out of reach.

You gave her back her agency. That is a gift to her, even though she doesn’t see that yet.
She will in time.

We can’t undo what has been done, but we can go forward with honesty and compassion and empathy, and you are doing that. You are not your 19 year old self. You are doing better. You are better.

Feel regret, but also know that you are moving forward with integrity and kindness.