SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I also know deep down that if I were to date before R that I would never be fully into R, and that I could potentially start a new relationship that would show me what I have been missing for almost 19 years making my sacrifices all for not.

Friend, this might be the best unintentional description of the sunk cost fallacy I have ever come across.

I was married for 19 years. 4 kids. I loved the shit out of her, never felt like I got a good ROI on that. Kept trying anyway. Turns out she wasn’t capable of it, for whatever reason. It was never going to come.
Now I’ve been dating a woman for just over a year. I’m not sure I can out love this one, and even more amazing is I don’t feel like I need to. She authentically gives, and she gratefully receives. It’s great. If I framed this as I lost something by never getting it from my ex and therefore continue banging my head against a wall, I would be a far more miserable man.
Yes, I invested much in her, and it was a bad bet. As Kenny Rogers said, gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em.

There is no tit for tat in this situation unless the betrayed becomes a cheater.

I remember not long after dday2 of the affair we were at a party. My friend’s H decided to tell me how attractive he thought I was. 😡

I got very uncomfortable and called my H over. This so called friend actually repeated what he just told me to my H. My H knew nothing would come of it but it gave him a shock to know other guys just might be interested.

Ha! A small bit if karma.

Other than that, as a betrayed you just have to accept that there is not going to be an opportunity to do anything about the situation. Unless you become a cheater or divorce to have the opportunity to meet new people you may want to have a relationship with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:36 AM, Thursday, May 7th]

I don't have a whole lot to add that some of the other more experienced veteran members haven't already said, but just wanted to point out -

I still only really want my wife for some reason I am still unsure of. This is confusing to my analytical mind, this should be so cut and dry that it baffles me. My best interests are truly unknown to me right now

Using logic to try and understand illogical situations like this is enough to scramble Mr Spock himself. I think everyone here has felt the confusion and dissonance youre feeling right now. At a year our from d day myself, I'm still wrestling with my conflicting feelings. I love my wife more than I've ever loved anyone, but boy am I still harboring some hard feelings. Not that I'm having second thoughts or anything, I just wanted to point out that what you're going through is completely normal man. Whichever way you end up deciding to go you will come out the other side of this probably even stronger.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:25 AM, Thursday, May 7th]

Gemmy

I get it. I remember saying to my husband that I could have cheated but I didn’t, the ordacity of him to say ‘you might have if you had the opportunity’ HA! Fancy that. I proceeded to inform him of all the times I’ve had the opportunity to cheat on him though the years, even told him what a few of his buddies had said to me including one that had whispered in my ear ‘what I’d do to you if I could get you on your own’, he was one step away from hyperventilating when I told him this.

Thing is Gemmy, you didn’t take the opportunity because you aren’t stupid enough to. Whatever our spouses were feeling at that time was pure delusion, they told themselves they were awesome and instead of seeing a turd with red flags they saw a turnstile to fantasy land.

Don’t feel bad or worried about how you feel, if you feel resentful then so what?!, if you do and it isn’t a problem then feel it and let it pass, of course you will feel all sorts of things.

That buddy of my H? The one that whispered in my ear? I told my husband that I was going to let him do what he wanted to do to me, I told him I was going to dig my nails in his ass so hard when I pulled him in deeper that even he’d feel it. Did I do this?, no. Not going to use my body as a tool for revenge or disrespect myself but did I enjoy seeing my husband rocking back and forth with his head in his hands while heavy breathing?, yes.

Feel everything you need to feel.

Don’t look for anyone else yet, heal first. By the end of this you will know exactly what you want and need.

Bruce123,

Good comment, helped me too.... appreciate it 💯. Glad you gave your husband a visual of how it feels. I do that quite a bit, it really does help them understand a bit better. But even when they do, it still does not remove the pain that we have to deal with the reality of what they did. Yet their empathy does help over time I suppose.

On the note of that friend, I hope you both no longer associated with him. What a pig. Not a friend of your husband, you, or your marriage.

That buddy of my H? The one that whispered in my ear? I told my husband that I was going to let him do what he wanted to do to me, I told him I was going to dig my nails in his ass so hard when I pulled him in deeper that even he’d feel it. Did I do this?, no. Not going to use my body as a tool for revenge or disrespect myself but did I enjoy seeing my husband rocking back and forth with his head in his hands while heavy breathing?, yes.

They can do it to us but they can’t take even the idea that that could be done to them right?

Gives you a measure of the awareness they have about just how painful the infidelity is, they know instinctively, yet they choose to do it to us.

Nice.

I can say, no matter how petty it is, it surely is an enjoyable little revenge game, just establishing clearly that anyone can do the shit they did. Just we do respect ourself too much to dive into the manure and call it an adventure.

The only good thing about being a betrayed man is that women are far better at reading social clues, so I don’t even need to push it, do or say anything. She just squirms every single time.

Would be lying if I said that there’s isn’t a little devil in me who enjoys seeing her distress.
No darling, I will never reassure you about that anymore. You know but your own betrayal will always leave you with the insecurity of "what if"

You chose it then, you’ll live with it.

And yes I am an asshole in this matter, since she failed to show up with true regret yet, I have no regrets for her discomfort.

Best revenge in this cases is actually not pursuing anything and let their own dirty conscience eat them from within.

Infidelity is wildly unfair. That's sort of the nature of it. Certainly there are details that make each person's specific story worse for them.

Certainly having been devout with opportunity to not be, then being cheated on is one of those details. And as things go, more opportunities present themselves. Before she cheated, at least some part of your motivation to stay devout is the assumption that your wife is also being devout. Your assumption is now completely shattered. So the question you have for yourself is quite fundamental in nature.

Do you want to be devout to your wife regardless of whether or not she is devout to you?

Let's assume you do and you have to live with her uncertainty.

For those who’ve dealt with similar thoughts:

1) How did you process the sense of unfairness without it turning into permanent resentment?

My answer to this is that I'm devout so long as I'm with her, but I'm no longer committed for life. I'm choosing every day to stay in this, and if I don't like it anymore, I have given myself permission to end it.

Essentially, no vow of "forsake all others" is balanced by no vow of "til death do us part" on the other. Big reason I wouldn't do a vow renewal.

2) How do you make peace with the fact that your reality and your partner’s reality were so drastically different?

That's a real mind fuck. But I guess at the end of the day you can't know your Ws's reality. Prisoners of our own minds and whatnot. So as long as her behaviors, words, and actions are sufficient for you to feel safe and loved (for now), then you just sort of have to believe that's enough.

3) Is this something that fades with time, or does it require actively reframing how you see the situation?

I think it's both. Revisiting your framing, then giving yourself and her the time to execute according to that new framing makes this sense of unfairness fade. The other thing you can do is be more selfish. Not in a bad, or relationship hurting way.

But for me, I always made it something like 1)kids 2) marriage 3) myself. After the A, I've swapped marriage and self. Phrases like "happy wife, happy life" make me cringe. Be responsible for your own happiness and if she has to make some sacrifice to that, well, so be it. And it's actually OK if she maintains that order as well, so long as she isn't cheating and lying. But there is no way she gets to put herself first, while I put the marriage first.

4) Is this something I should explore before R by dating others?

Personally, if I did date others, I don't think I would ever return to my M. I think maintaining my coparent as a potential romantic option while dating others wouldn't be giving new potential partners a fair shot.

I’m not looking to justify revenge or level the playing field. I’m trying to figure out how to let go of this specific piece, the imbalance, because it feels like one of the biggest things keeping me stuck.

Appreciate any perspective from people who’ve been here.

"Level the playing field" I think is better than revenge. And not in a way that lowers your moral standards to hers. Just in a way that balances your expectations of marriage with hers, including whatever improvements she is making which is measured against her history of deceit and betrayal.

I also recognize my solution works for me, and might not work for you.