SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Survrus

BH does know everything, he did confront OM.

There was trickle truth, I pretty much did everything wrong after disclosure.

Sorry, I don’t know how to quote on this forum.

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I want to share a piece of my story with you, because I’ve been exactly where you are (BS not coping well). When my affair came to light, I wanted to save my marriage more than anything. More than that, I wanted to rebuild it into what it should have been all along, and I wanted to do it with him. But I had destroyed that man. On dday, I saw the agony etched into every inch of his body. I felt entirely responsible, because I was.

​Because of that profound guilt, I tolerated an immense amount of reactive abuse. I faced name-calling, slut-shaming, pure rage, threats of a RA, and volatile outbursts. I felt I had a certain "duty" to bear the brunt of this at all costs.

​As WS, I still believe we do have a responsibility to stand steady, face the music, and hold space for their massive, valid heartbreak. We have to be willing to sit in the fire we started and help them process the trauma. But there is a distinct, dangerous line between standing accountable and allowing yourself to be systematically destroyed.

​For me, the bill came due a few years into R. The reactive pain eventually crossed into physical violence, something that can never be excused under any circumstances. I am no longer with my exBH today, not because he divorced me, but because I finally chose to leave. Something I never thought I would do.

​I learned the hard way (usually do) that our betrayal is not a blank check for them to treat us however they please. You can be deeply remorseful and still have boundaries.

You are allowed to say "no" to abuse, even while saying "yes" to accountability. Please remember that you can hold space for his healing without completely sacrificing your own basic safety and humanity.

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Thanks!!!

I pray for you to find a way to the latter.

I really feel for you both and hope that somewhere in the middle, you both can find enough wiggle to treat each other better.

Truly, my deepest sympathies, and best wishes for both of your self respect.

5bluedrops,

Thank you for this and thank you for explaining things in a way that helps me better understand where my husband is coming from.

​Because of that profound guilt, I tolerated an immense amount of reactive abuse. I faced name-calling, slut-shaming, pure rage, threats of a RA, and volatile outbursts. I felt I had a certain "duty" to bear the brunt of this at all costs.

This is pretty much where I have been and where I still am. Name-calling, slut-shaming, rage, threats of RA, and volatile outbursts are very normal. I am hopeful that therapy will help. He had anger management issues that predate the affairs. He is not physically abusive.

Hit 'enter' by mistake.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:10 PM, Friday, July 3rd]

This is pretty much where I have been and where I still am. Name-calling, slut-shaming, rage, threats of RA, and volatile outbursts are very normal. I am hopeful that therapy will help. He had anger management issues that predate the affairs. He is not physically abusive.

This is crossing a line, imo. Reactive abuse is still abuse. I know it's not what you want, but if he can't get his anger under control and start reacting in a healthier manner your marriage may just be damaged beyond repair.

I know you feel horrible. I know my wife feels horrible for the same reasons. I've gotten angry. I've raised my voice a few times, but I've never slut shamed or name called beyond "liar," which at the time was unquestionably true.

I'm upset. I'm hurt, but I do still love my wife therefore I'm not going to treat her like a sub human. I talk about her affair. Often. But in a measured tone without name calling or abuse. Just repeating the facts of what, how it happened, and how it makes me feel is "punishment" to her in itself, amd I'm assuming would probably hit you pretty hard, too.

I understand where your husband's rage is coming from, but he's dealing with it in a very destructive way. I didn't decide to stay and attempt to reconcile just so I could use my wife as a punching bag and try to exact revenge. I did it because I still love her and she's doing a pretty good job of giving me reasons to stay. For now, she's still my wife and she deserves to be treated as such.

It might be counterintuitive, but I think it's time for you to set some boundaries. Tell him you love him and you're willing to do almost anything to save your marriage. Except put up with abuse. Let him know that while you feel horrible for what you did, your line for contrition is abuse. If he can't control himself then you're going to have to apologize for ruining your marriage and get a divorce. "I'm so sorry I destroyed you like this. It's obvious to me that what I did is more than you can bear. If things keep going like this I think we're going to have to call it quits because I can't continue to live like this. I know this is my fault, and I want to work it out, but I can't stay in this marriage anymore unless things change. I'm so sorry I've broken you this way."

You are allowed to say "no" to abuse, even while saying "yes" to accountability. Please remember that you can hold space for his healing without completely sacrificing your own basic safety and humanity.

Foreverlabeled,
Thank you for sharing your perspective and advice.

Pogre,
Thank you for your advice. I truly appreciate it.