I'm back... once again wishing I wasn't here posting about being a shit person. A 20-year-old ghost just appeared, and both my 19-year-old self and my present self are completely consumed by shame and remorse.
I received a message from a woman asking if I had been intimate with her then-boyfriend, now-husband, two decades ago.
Goddammit..
I chose to be completely honest and forthcoming. But in doing the right thing, I just exposed a 20-year lie to a woman who built her entire life on quicksand. Now, that quicksand is engulfing her. My heart is so heavy for her, and my stomach is in knots. It is a pain I would wish on no one.
Years ago, when I was working through my recovery and making amends, I actually tried to find her for this exact reason. I wanted everything out in the light.. no surprises, no more lies, no stones unturned. I wanted to purge the secrets. But because it was a hookup from a decade prior, I didn't have enough information to track her down.
It doesn't matter now; she knows.
There is some relief in knowing that absolutely nothing is left hiding in the shadows anymore. But I am finding it incredibly difficult to cope with the gravity of the bomb I just dropped. It feels like D-Day all over again, and there is carnage everywhere. It is a gut-wrenching, heavy feeling.
I'm just trying to navigate the wreckage of a past I thought was long lost.
