Tired of being walked all over!
I’m sick and tired of being exploited and taken advantage of, in life generally but also in our relationship. Recently it really grates on me that my WSO can’t see that she’s been part of it. I think, after 28 years, I’m finally starting to think I might find the balls to leave and at 53 finally find a life of my own, for me before anyone else. I’ve loved her like I could never love anyone else, but it feels like the time is approaching to finally put an end to this tortuous misery. I cared for her from day one. She moved into my house, didn’t contribute anything for the first 7 years. From years 5-10, she was f’king around with ONS’s and casual encounters, one of whom she confessed, years later, to having brought them back to my house when I was away. And at a time when I was spread so thin, caring for my parents, working and studying while still giving her plenty of romantic attention. She had sex with another in the back of our car that we’d bought together from my little and only savings at the time. No regard for any sentiment that I thought we’d attached to it. I failed professional exams in the aftermath of her confession that dented my career permanently, but she doesn’t see any significance of what she’d done. I built up an unmanageable amount of personal debt. She thinks I should be over it. Maybe I should. She never offers a meaningful apology and I genuinely think now she’s always thought it was no big deal. She certainly doesn’t get the damage she’s caused me mentally/psychologically and emotionally, and I don’t think she sees anything wrong with the circumstances of her encounters (except for knowing they were wrong on the context of being in relationship). Recently, and for the first time in 28 years, her presence is starting to irritate me. The differences I thought I could live with are now amplified, her untidiness, the fact I cook probably 4 out of every 5 meals. The fact I get up early with kids every day, form the day they were born. She gets a ‘lay in’ by comparison most days, breakfast in bed often and almost every day she gets asked what she wants and gets what she asks for. Aside from the odd time when I’ve been ill, she’s never offered. I do the laundry, maintain the house, look after and pay for both cars. She pays 75% of the mortgage and I pay everything else, nearly double what she pays. She keeps her salary to herself. But above all, she can’t see what a walkover I’ve been. She thinks I feel sorry for myself which I probably do, but I don’t get that she feels sorry, like properly sorry for the practical damage, or the hurt, or the destroyed self esteem, or the frustrating embarrassment in the bedroom arising from the ongoing trauma all these years later; or the indignity of going for STD tests in the aftermath; or frequently encountering the men she’s slept with. More often than now wish she’d f’ck off, or even kick me out. I’m destined to end up with nothing material, but truly, I couldn’t give a crap, I could live with nothing but be happy, or at least happier than I am now.
7 comments posted: Monday, August 11th, 2025
Meaningless Sorry
18 years since it came out my WS (Oh in fact, we never married), had spent the preceding 5 years of our relationship having multiple ONS's and casual encounters. 18 years later and still together and I can't recall ever having had a meaningful sorry!
Sure, sometimes she'll say 'sorry you're still feeling like this' or 'sorry for the impact its had on you', but it feels utterly hollow and meaningless. What does it take for that sorry to feel genuine?
12 comments posted: Friday, August 8th, 2025
What does forgiveness look like and is it overrated?
Male, 28 years together with my female partner but never married. 18 years ago discovered she had spent the previous 5 years being unfaithful with multiple ONS’s.
I tell myself/pray every day that I should forgive her, but I have never got my head around what forgiveness looks like. The fact that I’m tortured by it daily, and in turn torment her with my questions and generally giving her hard time about it, I think must mean I haven’t moved on and haven’t properly forgiven her.
She’s always maintained that she wants to stay together, and I’ve never really wanted to separate, more so since we now have two teenage kids, I can’t begin to think about dealing with the fallout for them.
But we’re both miserable and I’m now starting to think that the kindest thing I can do is leave, despite the monumental upheaval. I think if we separate then at least we don’t have to live through these emotions daily and can seek to satisfy our needs with others free of adverse thoughts of shame, embarrassment, inadequacy and guilt. Is that what forgiveness looks like? Moving on?
31 comments posted: Tuesday, August 5th, 2025
18 years later and still not over it!
Male - in relationship for 28 years. 18 years ago (10 years into our relationship), my OH confessed to being unfaithful over a period of the preceding 5 years, with multiple partners. We stayed together, had two kids now in their teens. I've never got over it. I managed to conceal my true feelings, hurt, humiliation, inadequacy etc, and deal with it, until recently, but never really got over it. But over recent years I find myself obsessing over it, literally daily, 24/7 it's on my mind. And I can't help ask her questions, scrutinise her accounts of events, and often find implausible her accounts. It's dragging us both down, but I don't now what to do. Concede defeat, accept I'll never get over it, separate and free us both, or what's the alternative? I love my family, my kids in particular, family life looks happy. How do I make us all genuinely happy though?
28 comments posted: Friday, July 18th, 2025
