SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please see the link on my last message. Basically my WS had an EA with my close friend and neighbour - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=662682&HL=84713

This was 15 months ago and we are now divorcing after failing at R. Basically he got so angry at my 'spirals' and afterwards wouldnt speak to me for days or weeks which I found really hard to deal with. He is now saying I do not offer him trust or stability. This is due to be visiting a solicitor to get some advice, writing on this forum, telling his family at what he did and speaking to her spouse to get the real story. Over the year my gut was screaming at me he was not telling the truth and I got so angry (one night a punched his arm 3 times when sitting in the car but he now tells people I beat him - Im very ashamed at this and it was not me). Turns out it was not comfort and caring that crossed the line, but a full blown EA. They got caught in the Nov by her husband and then they reconnected 2 weeks later, so it was a choice! He was told by her Husband that it was an EA but when he told me he made out that he had never heard of the term before.

He left 6 months ago and he is full of hate for me, resentment and bitterness. He is saying I'm a narcissist (my therapy has confirmed Im not at all, more empath) and that Ive created a smear campaign on him (Im only telling friends the truth, that he cheated and left me with ptsd) . He is also fuming that Im dating, nothing serious but its nice to have male company (he found this out by tracking my car and watching our cctv seeing me leave and go).

He also still says she was just being a good friend and he can go back there now which Im finding really hard to deal with, but he was unhappy in the marriage, was never seen and I was controlling and abusive. I honestly feel I have never been controlling, but I did take on more and more chores/work/care of the children/life admin as he just seemed to get more distant and did not help much (apart from sit on the sofa and drink wine every night)

I am so sad, I don't know what Ive done to warrant this hate. He has changed so much, he is like a different person and is so changed from the man I loved. I just wanted to ask if this is normal behaviour? I tried so hard to support him in his depression, his healing and tried to save the the marriage but I feel like such as failure.

Trix123, your husband is pissed off at and hateful toward you because you didn't just shut up and let him cheat on you. You held him accountable for his own actions. You didn't accept the silent treatment from him. You sought advice and legal counsel. You spoke with OBS directly, which made it impossible for him to continue the affair. You told his family, which he thinks made him look bad and stopped him from portraying any problems in the marriage as your fault. He wanted to play as much as he wanted and not face consequences. He's angry that you're moving on with your life and seeing other people instead of being his wife appliance.

So to answer your question, yes, his behavior is pretty typical of a selfish, unremorseful cheater who wants to portray himself as a victim. He's projecting his own bad behavior on to you.

You did not fail to save the marriage-- he failed you, first by cheating on you, and second, by not accepting the consequences for his actions and making a good faith effort at reconciliation. I think that, once he's no longer in your life and you have time and clarity to reflect on who he is as a person, you will see that he has always been a selfish, controlling, and abusive person... you just notice how bad it was until after Dday.