SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. There is so much we have been through. I always loved our story, as a hopeless romantic and as someone who just wanted safety and security as a foster child, he was everything I had ever wanted. After the birth of our first daughter, he brought up an open marriage. I was gutted, I didn't understand. This went on for a few years of him bringing it up and me panicking until he wore me down and I realized this was not something he was going to let go. I finally was on board. I did all the research on ENM, I took it seriously because I took our marriage seriously and I was terrified of it destroying us. It went well until it didn't go well, eventually the boundaries kept being broken and I felt unsafe so we closed up. I remember being with another person and so sad because I just wanted my husband. I wanted him to take me on dates, I wanted him to talk to me like he was curious. It was such a relief when he agreed that he couldn't follow the rules and it wasn't working for us. I was so glad to be done and WH made me feel like he was happy to be with me and only me. I knew he hurt me with the things he did during this time, but we rug swept and continued on. We ended up pregnant a year later with twins. We were so happy, things seemed stable again. However, one night while pregnant I found another reddit account and messaged to single woman asking them to come over while I was sleeping. He said it was just the taboo of talking to them and he never would have had them over, I was so exhausted by his antics I told him to knock it off and I don't ever want to find another account or him reaching out to anyone. I was hurt but honestly just done with it and since I was pregnant we ended up rug sweeping again. While it was a difficult pregnancy and birth we did it and we were the team we have always been.I was in heaven, I love being a mom and left my corporate leadership role to be a SAHM. Life felt good again, we were having family days with our amazing group of friends who were so helpful. Life seemed so good, I thought we were doing so well and were that couple again. Everyone was so proud and in awe of us and I was too. Then, when the twins were 10 months old the affair happened.

It was a Christmas party family sleepover. 4 families and a rotation of visiting friends and family in a big house for the night, not the first time we had such an event. We had been a core group for 5 years now, all of us transplants with no family living close. We had our 6yo and our 10 month old twins with us. The night was fun, I got all cute and enjoyed the night, we did a gift exchange and the alcohol was flowing. Makes me sick that we got AP and her husband sex wax and feather toy, they don't have kids so the joke was they were the sex freaks. AP was my close friend, she hosted my baby shower, she took my daughter when I was giving birth, the house the party was at was her BIL+SIL, the other couple was WH longtime friend and spouse, three little kid besties all the same age is how we became so close. We spent every free day we could with this group. Birthdays, holidays, family days... We had our first girls only night out for the moms and AP and I bonded.. a week before. That night seemed like all others, towards the end it was just 4 of us, WH, AP, mom friend and myself. It was 1:30am and I had to breastfeed the babies at 5am so I called it a night, other mom friend also had to take care of her kids so she did too. I remember thinking to myself "hm they are staying up I guess, but it's just "her" no biggie" how naive and stupid of me. I should have listened to that voice.

AP snuck in at 4:30am, we know because our other friend heard her come into the house and upstairs to bed.

That next morning, AP didn't get out of bed before we left, I almost had the kids go try to wake her up, I'm glad I didn't but also wish I had so she could see my face one last time. WH called me into the bedroom when we got home, I started stripping down thinking he wanted to get naughty. I'll never forget putting my shirt back on as he told me he had to tell me something that happened. He said they made out. I went red.

This ended up being a lie he would keep up for 3 more weeks until it came to light that they spent 30-40 minutes making out and exploding each other's bodies outside. He was drunk, he had taken Adderall without telling me and when it was just them they kept drinking until she asked why they were still up. WH response? "Looking for more" to which she replied "should we make out?" Making out meant getting on his knees so he could kiss her in the chair by the fire, it meant her taking her top off so he could suck on her, it meant putting his hands down her pants but not in her because she said she was on her period, it meant picking her up and making out while moving around the yard from the fire to the table where we were just playing dice and he dry humped her and she joked to him "think we could just steal the camera footage?", it meant keep going to the fence and give WH oral. It didn't stop until he looked to the door... you know, the one where me and the babies and APs husband was sleeping. 50ft away. It only stopped because he couldn't get hard after worrying about getting caught.

I was so happy I loved our life so much and was so proud of us. Even with the struggles and past issues I thought we were invincible. Now everyday I think about what they did to me, to my family. Everyday I mourn and wonder how this happened? Why did they have to do that to ME? I have a box of baby clothes I had been saving for her since they were trying. Everyone knew we were leaving in 3 days after our little family Christmas to help my mom since my dad recently passed after fighting cancer for 8 years.(I was adopted) They knew it was one of the most vulnerable times in my life, postpartum, grieving and yet I was still loving and trying to live my best life as a friend and wife. They still did it. It didn't matter more than the raw desire they had that night. Not that our friends were there, not that their spouses were there, that one of our kids could have caught them, that it was all being recorded...

I'll never forget the deep ache and numbness that first Christmas with my babies and cheating WH. I feel like I'll never forgive for taking not only one of the most vulnerable moments in my life but also what was supposed to be some of my happiest and ruining it for what? For an impulsive moment of fun.

I feel so broken. No one has said to leave him, but also no one knows the extent of how horrific this betrayal was. Our daughter asks about "aunty" all our memories as a family almost include AP. It's so unfair. I never saw it coming. I thought we were the dream couple, it could never happen to us. 10 years of trust and security decimated.

3 months now, I don't feel like much has changed. I can function better and stay present when needed but the waves are still relentless and I cry myself to sleep nightly. He admitted he had a porn addiction and as an avoidant used sexual gratification to numb himself from the depression he has been suffering from for years. I knew about the depression and always begged him to get help but he never did, thought he was about drugs and the answer was working out. He hasn't drank, watched porn or masterbated since the new year, but now WH is drowning in shame. This is impacting his job and everything else so I just take care of my kids everyday and am trying to survive. I'm so sad and scared at what my future holds. We are both in IC but he hasn't done much due to the focus being on work in terms of aiding in our R even though he says he is here and isn't going anywhere and he chooses me. I don't feel chosen, I'm scared he will rug sweep again but I've made my demands clear and am giving it a year at least before I decide what is next for us. I'm just so heartbroken. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I have lived a hard life. I'm sure I'll be posting a lot as I don't have any friends here anymore and family is on the other side of the states. I want this to work so badly but a part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive him for doing this to me, to us.

[This message edited by Raven25 at 12:56 AM, Wednesday, March 25th]

That’s a lot…

All I can suggest is this:
Have a really serious thought about how you envision marriage. How you want it to be, what short-term goals might be and what long-term goals might be. Be realistic: it won’t be rides along the beach eating lobster. It’s more contemplating how to handle issues, raising of kids, finances, goals for holidays, finances, how you respect each other and work on that, how you envision your golden years. Have your expectations lined up. Then ask him how they align with HIS views on marriage.
What this might give you is a shared view of where you might head. Like… if monogamy and fidelity is a base-requirement for you, then he can either accept it, or hang on to his wishes for an open marriage or whatever. It tells you what issues you need to resolve to be on the same track. If the two of you are clear on the needs and wants of the other, and maybe even realize you have the same wants and needs, you can start working towards them.
Of course, it might also reveal that you two aren’t capable of being on the same track.

From that base, I would figure out what is needed short-term, and what is needed long-term.

I am pretty certain you two could do with some MC, but I also think individual counseling could help you in understanding what it is you want, and what you might need to get it.

Raven, I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but you did find a great group of people who understand what you're going through. I'm afraid your husband sounds like a serial cheater and rugsweeping hasn't done you any favors. I get that he may be feeling shame right now, but unless and until he gets to the bottom of his behaviors he's not a safe partner.

I understand the pain and shock you're experiencing right now. 3 months is really not that long ago in the grand scheme of things. It takes on average 3 to 5 years to recover from betrayal trauma like this, and for you it's a double whammy because it involves a trusted friend. You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. My wife's betrayal was almost exactly a year ago and I still find myself spiraling from time to time, especially as we approach our 1 year antiversary. Her an her AP were well into the flirting stage and making plans to get a hotel room this week last year. Just know that your feelings and reaction are normal and valid.

Are you doing any counseling for yourself? A good IC can help you navigate the normal feelings you're experiencing. Right now I think your focus should be on you and your healing. Make sure you're eating enough and staying hydrated. Try to get enough sleep, tho I know that's easier said than done.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. Like I said tho, this is a good group who understand what you're going through. Please stick around and keep posting. Just typing things out and getting feedback from folks who understand was so helpful to me. Your feelings right now are normal and valid, so don't beat yourself up and give yourself some grace. Ask any questions you want, or use us just to vent to if you need it. We get it. I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:59 PM, Wednesday, March 25th]

if monogamy and fidelity is a base-requirement for you, then he can either accept it, or hang on to his wishes for an open marriage or whatever. It tells you what issues you need to resolve to be on the same track. If the two of you are clear on the needs and wants of the other, and maybe even realize you have the same wants and needs, you can start working towards them.

We are very aligned on our wants for a marriage, it's probably the primary reason we have made it this far. The open marriage situation, (this is all based on WH reflection) was more so an opportunity for him to get me on board with him experiencing others due to a deep disconnect in himself and his inability to sit in uncomfortable feelings within himself. Porn wasn't giving him enough intensity and when he was with others he never actually climaxed and it was more so fueling his deviant thoughts and allowing him to experience more intense climaxing when solo. Unbeknownst to me he was using masterbation as a coping mechanism and it just kept escalating. He has stated he is more than happy to just experience me, our sex life has been extremely good but I personally recognize there was a point where at times I would feel more used and for me emotional connection was key to arousal. He eventually didn't like that I was emotionally connecting with my partners and felt it should just be sex, but that kind of explains the disconnection I felt with him because my emotional needs were not being met. He admits now that he did not cherish me how he should have, we never celebrated anniversaries, he never initiated date nights, there was a severe lack of vulnerability and connection. Now after the affair, the goal is to build that emotional connection again but currently I am deep in acute trauma and recovery. His shame is deeply impacting my ability to go into rebuilding. It's just devastating that he let things get so bad internally, including an admittance of vilifying me internally to justify to himself he deserved "more" sexually. It's all so effed up.

Are you doing any counseling for yourself? A good IC can help you navigate the normal feelings you're experiencing. Right now I think your focus should be on you and your healing.

I immediately went into IC and have been consistently going. WH is 3 weeks into a CSAT. He dragged his feet and I am concerned that he needs more than a CSAT but based on my therapists guidance I am waiting and watching and no longer setting up hoops. It's really discouraging because my expectations for effort after this is not what I am getting and it's making feel like he really is incapable of changing.

I have started self care more, but I am in a pretty low point right now and am struggling. I have started to isolate (which is easy when you don't have friends) I just don't feel like I have the capacity for much else but it is so freaking lonely.