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I think there was a misunderstanding, she has left. She doe not care I am on.

I need to take back some of the things I said in my last post then I was on a rant and a roll there

ETA: Just so we are clear, I bashed your WW for not wanting you to post here and for telling you that, and THAT is the ONE AND ONLY THING I am taking back. EVERYTHING ELSE stays, including the rocks I threw at the Reconciliation Industrial Complex and the people around you telling you to just get over it even in a roundabout way.

I agree 100% with gr8ful.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:55 AM, Tuesday, July 7th]

Maybe detaching and observing is the only sane thing I can do right now. Not because I do not care, but because caring has had me carrying too much of this. Her work has to be hers. My healing has to be mine.

Yes.
I know it’s hard because you can love.

But you must leave emotionally for her to realize she misses you.

I am assuming she loves you here (in her broken and twisted way) but I got that feel. Undisputed you loved her and you are likely still in part, and in part attached to your bleeding past attachment(the torn feelings is from this).

And this line clues me about the puzzle

I think there was a misunderstanding, she has left. She doe not care I am on.

She is avoidant isn’t she?

If my hunch is right detachment is the only way she will feel the abyss her issues are causing, the only hope she will finally abandon her shadow comfort zone and jump out and through the gap.

I know it’s hard for you and even harder for her to become brave all of a sudden.

She might get there eventually, but you might be long gone.

Mind this is the hunch I got from you and your wife since the start, I said nothing for you were in chaos.

I feel you are getting clarity, forgive me if I threw it harsh right now, I sense you wish time could turn back and life rewritten (I used to as well), I would thumb you up if you find yourself again (you + her).

Now is not there, not yet at least.

What I feel is you will find peace, I see and recognize your path, and while you are still climbing barefoot on swords tips I know how distant you are from the soft grass summit, so I am confident you are getting there.

Hey I stopped for a while to fucking stomp the sword tips! you are climbing with determination , at some point there’s a leap and it’s over.

No pain and peace

And how exactly do you know this about OP’s wife? Why the instinct to characterize her as a victim? From my perspective, she DID trick OP in a diabolical way. Inviting her AP to her own wedding? If that’s not diabolical, I don’t know what is.

I said it was my experience, I did not claim it was gemmy’s wife’s experience. And I do not feel I described a victim. I described myself.

I think you could describe ANY WS’s behavior as diabolical. Including my own past behavior.

It is a great irony to me that my story is such a wet blanket to reconciliation.

As I think you know, those of us who followed you on your path are very sorry you didn't get what you wanted. That is definitely something to mourn.

At the same time, remember that the SI is here to help people survive and thrive. I don't know if you think you've reached that level, but you're on your way at the very least.

When you share your experience, you give readers insight int the wide variation of outcomes and the process of reaching those outcomes. You give every reader insight into how their Ms might play out. And readers need to see testimony that R takes 2. No matter how much a single partner wants R, it takes work by both partners - each needs to do the work they need to do.

I think you do a service to every reader when you share.

*****

Some here say "you can reconcile from anything if the both of you simply want to". That’s a massive oversimplification imo.

I think it's more a misquote/misunderstanding than an over-simplification, a misquote that I believe has been confronted in the past.

I believe the message is: you can reconcile from anything if the both of you do the work you need to do.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:04 PM, Tuesday, July 7th]

Gemmy,

A lot of our upbringing tells us to forgive and to make allowances for other people. One could say we're raised to be co-dependent. Of course, we get a lot of counter-programming, too. And so much of our upbringing leads us to use the most inappropriate approach....

The fact that you're noticing this stuff is a big win for you. Since you know that your programming is leading you hither and yon, you can overcome your programming. It's a step toward (re)claiming your power.

You're going through a very painful and challenging time. The fact that you're asking painful questions is very much in your favor, as awful as you feel. I'm watching the Tour de France as I write, and I can see these guys go to their limits climbing mountains in 98F temperatures. In a sense, that's what you're doing. You can't yet see the end to the suffering, but it's coming. You really are on your way to thriving, whether you R or D.